"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into 
 three parts ... regular, premium and unleaded." -Jay Leno 

 "Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the 
 weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president 
 in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. 
 Then he declares war." -Jay Leno 

 "Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the 
 Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you 
 can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its 
 name is." -Jon Stewart 

 "President Bush agreed today to allow more weapons inspectors in 
 Iraq. As I understand he has 250,000 of them ready to go." -Jay Leno 

 "The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. 
 Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular." 
-Jay Leno 

 "The president boasted at the top of his press conference that we 
 have the support now of Britain and Spain for our attack on Iraq. 
 You know, when you want to make it perfectly clear to the world that 
 you're not an imperialist, the people you want in your corner are 
 Britain and Spain." -Bill Maher 

 "According to the Pentagon today, secret surrender negotiations are 
 now underway with key Iraqi military officials. That's what the 
 Pentagon said: We're in secret negotiations, so for God sakes, don't 
 tell anyone. ... What we're doing basically is giving these key 
 Iraqi military officials instructions on how to surrender. See, this 
 is where we could have used the French." -Jay Leno 

 "CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam 
 Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam 
 said, 'It's not so bad.'" -Conan O'Brien 

 "One of the interpreters hired by CBS for the Dan Rather/Saddam 
 Hussein interview adopted a phony Arabic accent. You know, maybe CBS 
 should have hired somebody with a fake Dan Rather accent to ask 
 tougher questions." -Jay Leno 

 "New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in 
 Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know 
 whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut." -Craig Kilborn 

 "Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much 
 as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free." 
-Jay Leno 

 "Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. 
 President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd 
 be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor 
 and then there was a case under the floorboards.'" -Bill Maher 

 "Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The 
 Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language."
-Jay Leno 

 "President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and 
 that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, 
 they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and 
 fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida." -Jay Leno 

 "President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN 
 to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the 
 approval of the American voters to become president, either." 
-David Letterman 

 "The latest word is that Saddam Hussein is now creating a buffer 
 zone in Northern Iraq to defend against a northern invasion. Experts 
 say if he's successful this could extend the length of the war by up 
 to seven minutes." -Jay Leno 

 "Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget 
 creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly 
 responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'" 
-Craig Kilborn 

 "We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of 
 mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading 
 Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea." -Jon Stewart 

 "Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with 
 Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?" 
-Jay Leno 

 "Saddam Hussein has told his people that U.S. troops will commit 
 suicide when they get to the gates of Baghdad. That's when you know 
 you have a bad army, when your only hope for victory is that the 
 enemy's troops kill themselves." -Jay Leno 

 "As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing 
 clear: This war is not about oil, it's about gasoline." -Jay Leno 

 "In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of 
 Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, 
 supplies, housing, education - anything that's needed. Isn't that 
 amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda - and it's for 
 Iraq. Maybe we could bring that   here if it works out." -Jay Leno 

 "President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a 
 bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the 
 economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this 
 movie, haven't I?" -Jay Leno 

 "In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by 
 lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right 
 idea, wrong president." -Jay Leno